Faith

For the past few days, I felt that my faith has been wavered . I was thrown off course and I felt totally lost . It was because of the crossroads which lead to my life. I felt that I was standing alone and I could not find the key to unlock my soul. I was confused and headed nowhere. I let darkness overcome me and I could not see the light . Everything felt heavy. There was no way out. I felt like banging my head against the wall . The word hopeless comes to mind. The only thing that I knew how to do was pray. I asked GOD to intervene and help me to be a better listener and be more observant to what I am doing . No, I am not hopeless. I am sure there are millions out there who felt just like me . Now, I will come clean and tell the truth . I started my new job just 4 days ago and I wanted to show that I could handle it but each time I tired, I failed . Maybe I was trying too hard and I was not paying attention to what was being said or to what I was doing . I felt very nervous at work but I hung on . Then, I stopped and thought for a moment. I mean I was in the teaching line for a long time, and now after so many years, I have decided to work in an office. So to make myself feel better, I should give myself time to adjust to everything that is new to me. Maybe I am just trying too hard to fit in. There are many reasons which contributes to the way I was feeling . Each day, I prayed that I will not flip up. Are we not humans after all ? Are we not suppose to make mistakes ? I guess, Jesus made a mistake or two when he was young, but it was not a mistake to be hung on the cross and to die for us. I guess what I face is just part of life but what Jesus had to endure was far worse than what I am going through. There are no nails knocked into the palms of my hands and feet, but he had. There is no crown of thorns upon my head , but he had. I had everything easy but he was made to suffer and die , that hurt . So, for the days that are to come, I will try my best and remember what Jesus went through for, my savior would not want me to wallow in self pity, but to rise from the deep end to walk and follow in HIS footsteps with faith.

Here and Now

Today I could almost feel like a grown up . It's true . I always thought that I'd never grow up or I refuse to grow up . Simple . For once, I can see where I am heading . I mean just by getting my self respect back. To some,growing up is hard .I used to remember telling my parents , that I just wished that I'd never grow up. It was hard growing up , because you will always have to think on your feet and too many responsibilities . But then again , if we were to plan out our responsibilities , then growing up would not be so bad after all . There is no right or wrong answer . it all depends on how you wish to grow up. For some , they enjoy being a grown up. So I would say the same , since I am here and now , it would seem a very good idea to just grow up . Grow up to be a beautiful being.

Victory Speech

I never expect to loose . Even when I am the underdog . I still prepare a victory speech . Well that speech was so long undone ... It's like when you come undone and who do you love ? God . Why ? Because He is an amazing God that's why . As I stood in the concert hall for one last time , I summed up everything in two syllabus with six letters in it .. THE END. Now, I could leave the word THE END as the end to this post . But let me tell you something , It did not end for me . It will be a new beginning for me . Now my life begins as the same as it would and it's great . So how does one trace little foot steps along the way ? She goes shopping tomorrow , that's how . I mean you've got to get your life on track after what has taken place and it's all about organizing and stepping out into a ray of sunshine . For some , they may have won the victory speech but I for one , won a whole lot more . I am sure I can tell. Because each passing day , I wake up happy and I know that someday , someone's gonna come out and tell me , 'Hey , Audra , you know what , you're amazing'. That , I guess I am ..

Take A BOw

Well having said that all I have to , I took a last bow in my classroom yesterday minus the kids . I looked at my class for one last time . Thinking of all the fun and memories that I had with my students . I looked at my charts hanging on the wall and thought how over the years , we struggled through , to develop a million kids when I was there . The walls were sad and everything seemed quiet . I looked at the things in my classroom . This is it, the final curtain has come down . No more standing in the spot light . It was time that someone else took the spot . My time is done and over with . I talked to all the tables and chairs and told them that how much I would miss them . How they kept my students safe as they sat on them . I looked and I really looked . To my pencils and erasers , you have been used . For every perfect reason . I thanked the heavenly angels for keeping each of my student safe as we journeyed to the zoo, park , and many other wonderful places that we went to . I took a bow once again and thought of the mornings spent with laughter and joy. I thanked the doors for keeping danger away and for keeping us warm in our classrooms. As I turned to leave ,I said a small prayer , a prayer of thanks . I thanked the heavenly Father who gave us wisdom and the joy of children. All is quiet now .. all tired out . No more laughter and smiles . But as always may all the children of the world be blessed . The show is over say goodbye ............

Trying and still trying to

The past few weeks has been a breeze . I can feel the Christmas wind in my hair and I thought to myself how wonderful it was to feel something special . I had time to soul search myself and for that I am very proud of the fact that I made a small difference in my life . Not for others but for me this time around . I have been quiet for awhile and even at work too . Perhaps, I want to absorb every minute details that I can feast my eyes upon . My students take first place .How hard they have worked to come this far and being patient with me as their teacher . I have not said goodbye to them but in my heart, I did . To me , children would always have a special meaning in my life and in a few days time this chapter would be closed . I want it to be perfect but alas , in life , we can't have perfection. I spend time in school , keeping my head in the game and keeping myself busy . I do take time off and just stare into space at times . However some has even mentioned that I am not with them . Well , I guess everyone is a mind reader when it comes to human emotions . Everyone , except for you . Having waiting for that moment to arrive , has been a spiritual journey. I decided to take it easy , one at a time . For now , words have been said , some home truths had hit home as well, as you say , a direct hit . All I can do is hope and pray for a better future for everyone . With that , I take off my hat to all of those people , who have journeyed a long journey , to get where they are today, for those who never gave up , to those who fought for what they believed in and to those who made everyone smile .

Farewell

I still have about 2 weeks till the end of the month . However , as usual , I plod along till my time ends . Today was special because my teachers organized a farewell do for me . I never thought that , there would be one for me because I usually don't need one . I felt that I did not have to have one actually . Its because I am a simple person with a simple nature .... I guess. But the gesture was well meant and I truly was happy about it . Food was good and everyone was in good spirits .. Though , some were misty eyed . Everything good must come to an end . Anything that we do , we do it to the best of our ability . I was sad .. to say good bye . I have done what I could for the school and I tried my best . I wish my teachers all the best and wish them well too . Along the way , I have met many wonderful teachers , however this batch of teachers were the best . Being matured , we complimented each other and how we supported each other . Not only we were friends , we became a huge family with a whole lot of sisters in it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not a day goes by that we do now wish each other with a kind word. I guess , no more nasi lemak session with the ladies and our KFC sessions are out as well but we could always meet up for a drink . It finally hit home that I am no longer a teacher .. no more holidays , sports or concert . They were all good memories , that I treasure ... it will always be and forever that I am a teacher and there is no denying it . The next chapter would be a better one for me ...

Sleeping Beauty

Today was my appointment day with the hospital . I went because I need a closure .. I had to be sure 100% so that was why I went . The sleep test was very good .. You may be wondering , what is a sleep test all about . It's a test that I need to do , to see if i snored , oxygen intake , to see if I slept without breathing and so .. forth and so forth ... Will not tell too much about the test . When I got in the doctor's office , ( my dad came along) I gave him my test results . He took it and read it .. After 10 mins , he turned around and told me that , the report was one of the most excellent report with only Level 2 .. meaning I do not have go go in for the op to remove my tonsils . it would take Level 5 and above to get it removed . I was overjoyed , happy .He removed me from the list .. what list you ask .. no need to do the op . No medication . With that , he told me that is was my stress level that was the cause of it. Better still , since I will be moving on , onto a new job , I hope that my tonsils will be pleased . No talking needed . Only speak when you are spoken to !!!! To celebrate , I will be making an apple crumble pie ....on Saturday !!! Yums ...